My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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