Your face is a jimmy john
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
