I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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