You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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