Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
