i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize