Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
