These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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