i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
