Can i not drive my cunt home
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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