She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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