ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize