Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
