i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
