Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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