Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
