I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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