Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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