textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
