No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize