I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
