well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
