i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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