Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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