i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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