Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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