Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
