i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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