I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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