it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
