my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
