I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize