well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
