Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
