i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
