You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
