Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
