just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
