Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize