Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
