Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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