I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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