At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
