The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
