Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
