glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
