Betty ford says i'm here all night
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
