I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
sarcasm needs its own font
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
