I smell stomach acid.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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