ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
