I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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