My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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