and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
