The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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