Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
