Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
