why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize