I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
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