at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
