Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
