So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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