why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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