we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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