Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
