i think my mom watched the whole time
It's like God shit irony all over that family
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
