Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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