I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
