Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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