Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
