remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
