Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
