This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
